'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER
By CHAD KULTGEN
NEW YORK -- Federal investigators
have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges --
and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!
Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that
44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his
uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on
"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a
lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.
fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he
had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made
capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be
"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal
inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island
until he agrees to give up his sources."
The past year of
nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So
when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the
winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.
"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological
breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew
about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing
When investigators hauled Carlssin in for
questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling
Carlssin declared that he had traveled back
in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge
that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet
anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go
through the roof could make a fortune.
"It was just too tempting
to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had
planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so
it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."
In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge
"historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure
All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in
his "time craft."
However, he refuses to reveal the location of
the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology
could "fall into the wrong hands."
Officials are quite confident
the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one
can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before
Weekly World News will continue to follow this
story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.